“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end”–Alex quoting John Lennon
Last time I wrote, I wasn’t in a good place. My control issues were controlling me, and nothing was going my way. All I wanted to do was throw in the towel, kiss Ireland goodbye, and go back to established relationships and familiar places. I had hoped that my trip home for Thanksgiving and my sister’s birthday would help reset me, and give me enough motivation to keep going.
Like usual, I was right.
I had one of my best visits home. I decorated the house for Ms. Seventeen, and we went on sister dates. She’s a cutie, and it was nice to be home for her birthday, as I had missed the past three of them. I hit the beach for some Carlsbad sun with Lindsay, and bought my first alcoholic beverage in public as a 21 year old.
One of the highlights of my visit, was seeing my godmother. She’s got it tough right now, but she’s holding her head high, and we sat in her kitchen drinking tea until midnight. She commented on how brave I was, and it reminded me that what I’m doing is tough. I’ll get to where I need to go in due time. And it was like my feelings of failure and inadequacy shrunk. I’ve been doing my best, working hard at changing my situation so I won’t feel how I did in November, and with patience and time, everything will come around.
And then I came back to Dublin with two feet on the ground. I got the gym membership that I was setting myself up for prior to leaving for home and started attending spin classes Tuesday and Friday nights. It has made a world of difference! I’m working out again, and chit chatting with the girls in the class. I think I’m finally making friends!
My volunteering with the youth center is picking up as I have one more class for child protection before I’m certified to work with kids. The course is interesting because it teaches about Irish history and law of child protectionism, and all of the fine lines in between. Putting myself in a position of leadership and mentorship is also doing what I thought it would. I’m feeling responsible and like I have a purpose. It’ll be my job to mentor these preteens in a positive direction. It also made me think about careers that deal with child protection and giving kids a good future to their not-so nice start. I was one of them, maybe I can help facilitate more.
And yesterday, Sem showed me how productive of a day we can have. We walked 25,000 steps all over Dublin doing errands and shopping. The sky was blue for once, and I was just in a cheerful mood at how much we accomplished because we got out the door at 9.30.
And then…Sem moved out today. So now comes my true test of bravery. Can I keep up these good vibes without my other half cheering me on? What about when I walk down Grafton Street and see all the Christmas lights and decorations, and remember that I won’t be with my family this Christmas? Maybe this is a small period of sunshine before the Blues hit again, or maybe this is just going to keep going.