Trying but kind of succeeding

Don’t overthink, don’t overthink, don’t overthink…oops I just overthunk.

I’m proud to say that after a six month sabbatical from embitterment towards men, I have finally changed my attitude, refound my inner naive fairy tale dreamer, and have gotten back in the game. But I guess I’m just confused about how things are “supposed to go”, even though I know there is no one way of how things are “supposed to go”. I’ve been all over the board. The holiday hookup to almost heartbroken, kissing after five hours of knowing someone, and not kissing after a month of knowing someone, rejecting someone, and being rejected. And now I’m coming back from another not break up (what even are break ups?) And I need space to overthink.

Josh* was the best kind of player, because I still believe that he didn’t realize completely what he was doing. Our communication was disconnected, but he was also dishonest with me, and that was the kicker. And while I’ve long gotten over him, I’ve noticed a bit of a ghost following me into every not-relationship since: I absolutely, under no circumstances, want to string someone along. I know how much it hurts to really like someone, and then turn around to find that he never wanted what I wanted. And since that happened, I want to make sure it won’t happen again, that I won’t be the player, or I’ll catch the player in time.

The most recent not-break up was me cutting ties…again. I kind of feel like the heart breaker right now, as I’ve been the one calling it quits every time. I called it off with Josh*, which took every piece of courage I could muster, and I’ve called it off with Jacob*, and now James*. I just wasn’t feeling it. And now I’m riddled with self-doubt, and self-consolation. Am I not giving him enough of a chance because I want to protect myself? Am I not seeing him long enough to form feelings because I’m afraid I won’t like him and then will have spent too long trying to figure myself out that I end up playing him? I just don’t want anyone to get hurt. That’s also what Josh* told me. But I know I can’t protect both of us, so then who takes priority? Is it selfish to do what I want, and say no thanks? Is it considerate to break it off knowing I’m disappointing him? Instead of thinking about it as adversarial, maybe I should see it as best for everyone? I’m not into him, and I don’t want him to like me too much, so I end it as soon as I know, am I doing us all a favor?

But…he did like me too much. Jacob* tried to get me back a month later, and James* was pretty disappointed. He took it like a champ, but I still hurt him a bit. I’m not doing what Josh* did to me right? What’s the difference between “trying to figure out your feelings” and continuing to see someone when you think it’s nothing. How much time has to pass before you “know”? Maybe it’s better for everyone if I just die alone.

While all of those questions plague me, and continue to do so, I think I am slowly figuring things out. Each guy has taught me something about how to approach dating as ethically as possible, or shown me what I want or don’t want when/if I finally get around to relationship status. And spending time alone in between my continuum of all over the place gives me clarity to see what I would like, without the influence of anyone else’s wishes. I’m not afraid of commitment, I just need to really like him, and know that he really likes me. And if I’m going to get heartbroken, he’d better be worth it. And I know I can really like people, because I’ve really liked two of them, maybe three…maybe four? Nothing’s wrong with me right?

Maguiña and I were talking in Lille about how we should congratulate everyone in a relationship, it’s tough! If you’re in a relationship, congrats. If you’re married, even better. I’m happy for you.

I guess I just need to remind myself that I’m doing the best that I can, and not to be too hard on myself. And if I was the one being not-broken up with, I would want him to tell it to me straight, even if it hurts both of us. Because it could always hurt worse. Ugh why am I so annoying. I always wonder what kind of a superhuman it would take to handle me in all of my cartoonishness, overthinkingness, strange humor, and unnecessariness. But I do firmly believe there is someone for everyone…I’ve seen some pretty strange couples. So I guess it’s not outlandish to think there’s someone who could tolerate me. And that I could really fall for him back. Right? I mean..my friends have to tolerate some pretty strange behavior, and they haven’t left me yet.

 

 

 

*clearly I’ve never dated a Josh, Jacob, or James.

 

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