“and if you could only let it be, you will see, I like you the way you are” -Avril Lavigne
Thursday I came home from school, and basically fell apart. It began with my frustration of working hard on event planning and well-timed advertisement, but then felt like I was treading water rather than moving forward. Then I thought about several relationships that are slowly eroding away via neglect, frustration, or confusion, and all of the little things in between that I haven’t been performing to my expectations. I haven’t emailed her in a while and I’m scared to talk with him. My running goals haven’t been met for the past couple of weeks, battling feelings of alienation and lack of community, and internally overanalyzing myself to ‘fix’ everything wrong with me ironically becomes self-deprecating and probably slashes at my self-esteem. Oh yeah, there’s also schoolwork.
I can feel my protective emotional walls being built, like thorn bushes, grudges being made, a scorecard being kept, and sadness coloring the forefront of it all to give my actions a melancholy undertone. I’m beating myself up for not being better, more dedicated, more present, or more efficient. My insecurities and fears have snuck up from behind and pulled the rug right out from under my feet, knocked me over, and I still haven’t gotten up or shaken off the dust.
After processing my self-analysis: you’re doing the best that you can given your circumstances, relationships are always a two-way street and you are never solely responsible, and not running steadily for 2 weeks because your shoes are shredding your feet to bits isn’t the end of the world, and is highly understandable. And clearly you aren’t failing because nothing in your external environment indicates any form of “failure”. Sometimes waves of sadness and feelings of inability and adversary come, and all you can do is ride it out. It’s ok if they are unexplainable, unintelligible, or even irrational. But then the vicious circle reaches a perfect 360 when I become frustrated over the fact that I have no reason to be feeling any of this, the thought immediately discredits and dismisses my being, makes me feel worthless, and spirals me further into self-doubt and insecurity. Great.
So what have I done about this? What a terrible question to ask. Attempt to be gentler on myself, kinder, and focus on the things that do bring me joy and fulfillment. And also the hardest thing for me: try to not do anything about it, distract myself.
Thursday evening Sem and I pretended to be 16 again, dressed alike, found a swing and drank a bottle of wine together. We then wrote Letters to Juliet, read them aloud, shoved them in the empty bottle, and threw them into the canal. Like a cheesy best friend rom-com. Friday I had a heart to heart talk with Shanice that lasted well past midnight in which we connected, exchanged similar ideas, and learned from and about the other. And Saturday I went to Ghent, had some fun, met some new people, and was able to enjoy my favorite Belgian city on my own for a few hours as well, writing.
Mathematically, there are no real solutions to this complex equation involving i, but perhaps acknowledging that all feelings are meant to be felt and that it’s ok for them to be unexplainable regardless if “everything is fine” is what I have to accept and embrace. And slowly let go of my innate desire to be everyone’s limitless.