No man’s land

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. -Proverbs 4:23

So I’ve got edges that scratch…I’ve discovered that love is a dangerous game. In the right hands, I believe it can be your greatest strength and source of happiness, but in the wrong ones, it can be a lethal weapon followed by turmoil and permanent damage. I haven’t put my heart all the way out on the line yet, but I keep inching my way closer, and I know if I keep going in the same direction, something gut wrenching is looming on the horizon.

Strapped down to something that you don’t understand…Unluckily for me, I’ve found my bad boy. And in this game, we’re evenly matched, a stubborn stalemate. He’s the one everybody likes, but no one really knows. He’s respectful, charming, intelligent, good looking, good at communication, interesting, and obviously is interested in me. He weaves through my defenses seamlessly, effortlessly finds my weaknesses, and subliminally coaxes me to give him what he wants. Except that I want more. I want his heart, he wants my body, and the funny thing about humans, even though many of us try to separate it, is that our hearts are in our bodies. We reach our stalemate when we realize we won’t give up what the other craves. But the longer this game goes on, and the more times I repeat it, the harder it becomes to walk away with my dignity intact.

Stooped down and out, you got me beggin’ for thread…My problem is three-fold. I’ve been trained to go after what I want, and it seems that that has manifested itself into the pursuit of the unattainable. I always want what I ultimately can’t have, which is the love of someone who can’t give it the way I need it, but has enough possibility to keep me chasing after it. My second issue is that at the core of all this: my desperation is written boldly all over me, the intelligent bad boy can read it like a book, and the neediness is what dangerously connects my heart with my body. A self-perceived promise of love, his laugh, and his touch has me unraveling faster than I can pick up and run in the other direction.

But my unstable ways is my solution…And thirdly, probably the most tragic truth, is that I like it. I like the challenge of trying to get the No Man that wants me, because I feel like I have what it takes to capture him. But the reason no one can have him has nothing to do with the girl, and everything to do with him. It’s like I keep setting myself up to fail, and then crumble because I still think it’s about me.

You should have known, secretly I think you knew…Perhaps the worst part about my bad boy, is that he isn’t fooling me, I’m fooling myself. I have to let him go because he can’t give me what I need, or I keep him, but never have him. So I get caught in a catch twenty-two in which I lose both ways, but choosing the wrong way is awfully tempting. At least the wrong way would sustain the illusion for a little longer, pain will follow either choice, why not keep pretending?

Try to hide it out, but my tracks are better…In the thick of the tear gas, I confront my spirituality with my brokenness, and re-find my focus and strength through faith. And even though closing the door keeps getting harder, I have to have faith that there is someone out there who deserves all that I have to offer, and can return it with similar intensity.


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